Pirates Fans Walk-Out Fizzles

4th Inning Seats Filled To Capacity

Businessman Andy Chomos had planned to embarrass Pittsburgh Pirates management by organizing a fan walkout after the third inning in Saturday night’s game with Washington. But as the above photo clearly shows, the Chomos protest fizzled when seats remained packed during the fourth inning and beyond.

“No way!” shouted angry fan Bill Mafesky. “That picture was a set up. Management packed that section with dummies and didn’t allow pictures in any other area.”

“It’s true that some loyal fans were unusually quiet and hardly moved, but that’s not a good reason to stoop to name-calling,” said fan William Nutting who has no relation to team owner Bob Nutting.

“I’m not saying them dummies are stupid," Mafesky continued. "I’m saying those dummies are real dummies. You know, like mannequins in store windows. I mean, just look at 'em …. They got no shirt, they all got the same hair, they’re wearin' eye makeup for Chrissakes and besides, not a one of them guys drank one beer all night long!”

One person standing close to Mafesky quickly disagreed. “Oh my God, you conspiracy people are something else. Pirates management would never do anything so silly and callous. They’re all about the team, not their own profits,” said fan Bob Nutting Jr., also no relation to team owner Bob Nutting.

The unusual controversy came about when Chomos and other angry fans finally tired of the Pirates’ 15-yr losing streak. They’ve accused management of being miserly when it comes to hiring top player talent, therefore dooming the team to loser status for the foreseeable future.

“Not so,” said team owner Bob Nutting. “Just because we demanded that taxpayers build us a new stadium, and just because our profits have soared since PNC Park was built, and just because we put those profits into our own pockets instead of team salaries …. that doesn’t justify calling us ‘miserly’. Besides, the fans still love and support us. That stadium was packed all night. No one left. Not even those quite guys in Section 108.”

Lost Opportunities

Mayor Looking to Improve His Batting Average


In a world where “you win some and you lose some”, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl is nonetheless frustrated with the number of opportunities he’s lost lately. The Pist-Gazette sympathizes with Ravenstahl’s loss. But we’d like to point out that it may just be a recent run of bad luck since the young mayor has been able to seize upon so many good opportunities. Let’s take a quick look back at some of his triumphs as well as disappointments:

Opportunities Lost.....
On Police Promotions: “Had I had the opportunity to examine their cases, or look at the issues prior to the promotions, perhaps we would not be sitting here today."

On the McNeilly Demotion: "The decision [to demote Cmdr. McNeilly] was made because the rules were broken. I stand behind those rules." As far as Mr. Regan's actions were concerned, "There was no rule broken, no law broken. If anything, maybe bad judgment was used." The mayor said no decision has been made on whether to defend the case at trial or try to reach a settlement. If it goes to trial, he said he would “welcome the opportunity” to testify in the case.

On the Party Plane to NYC: "[Burkle] being one of the more influential national Democrats in this country, it was an opportunity that I thought was a good one. In hindsight, certainly I do wish I had the opportunity to just tell the story right then and there, but it didn't work out that way."

On Stalking Tiger Woods: “I just wish I would have had the opportunity to discuss the issue prior to the story being run, so I could have given my side of the story.”



Opportunities “Seized”.....
On Becoming Mayor Upon The Death Of Bob O’Connor: It wasn't luck that got him there, [Ravenstahl] said. He was prepared for the job and he seized the opportunity when it arose.

On Peduto Dropping Out: "This will just give me the opportunity now to focus more so on the future of the city, economic development, clean, safe streets, the financial situation. ... Quite candidly, the next two months would have been consumed by campaign-related activity."

On His Own “Young and Fresh” Persona: "Certainly, somebody as young and fresh as I am, I think has an opportunity to show leadership and be a leader. I believe I'm a good mayor, and the more chances and the longer tenure I have to show that, the more successful I'm going to be."

On Stalking Tiger Woods: “It was a life long dream of mine. It certainly was and it was a great opportunity."


Opportunities Not Recognized As Opportunities.....
On the Heinz Field Incident: “Myself and everybody else that was in the front of the line at that point simply had no control over our bodies or anything.” (No realization of the "opportunity" hidden in this incident, but possibly our favorite mayoral quote ever.)


Opportunities Yet To Be Classified.....
On Firing 3 Staffers: “I have given them the opportunity to take the day off and consider the positions."

On Firing 10 Department Heads: Mr. Ravenstahl said he has offered all of the directors the opportunity to reapply as part of a national search for candidates.


We certainly wish Mayor Luke luck improving his batting average. But as the mayor is quick to point out, "Luck is when preparation meets opportunity." Since this mayor is so very well prepared, we are certain he will seize every opportunity lobbed in his direction. How lucky for the City of Pittsburgh!

Ugly Rumor Confirmed!

And If We Do Start Walking, They WILL Tax Our Feet

I caught the tail end of a Friday afternoon radio broadcast whereby some state representative warned the general public that the legislature planned to enact a tax which would be levied on citizens when they parked their OWN car in their OWN garage or driveway. Nope, I'm not talking about the 50% parking tax on Downtown garages. I'm talking about taxing you and me when we park our own cars at our own homes at the end of the day.

Not believing my own ears, I sent this email to every representative (both D and R) in Allegheny County on Friday night:

"I heard something on the radio news that I cannot believe. Please, tell me this is not true. And if it is true, please tell me that each of you .... to a man ..... is as horrified as I am and intend to have NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH THIS CRAZY NEW TAX.

Since our state plan seems to be one of taxing us into prosperity .... the media reports that there are 22 "new taxes" under consideration so as to "balance" our new budget. Is one of these new taxes a parking tax so broadly defined that it can be levied on a citizen parking their own car in their own garage????? Not a parking garage downtown or wherever. But actually being taxed, ON TOP OF THEIR PROPERTY TAX, when they drive home from work and are foolish enough to park their own car in their own garage.

I hope there are howls of laughter on your end of this email. I hope this is some wacky urban legend that hurricaned its way unchecked through today's news cycle. I hope there is not SHRED nor a KERNEL of truth to this disgusting rumor.

Trusting that even our state legislature cannot be this insane, please set me straight on what the real provisions of this proposed tax are.

Assuming in advance that you have not all lost your minds....."

It is now midnight on Sunday and I've received just two replies to my email. From Rep. Mark Mustio:

"I believe that can be the interpretation of the Democrat's bill. I am going to fight that wording and the tax. Sincerely, Mark

T. Mark Mustio 44th Legislative District District Phone 412-262-3780 Harrisburg Phone 717-787-6651"

From Rep. John Maher:

"I am afraid that you have heard correctly. The McCall amendment seeks to add a "parking space" "surcharge" that he confirmed in public during House debate Thursday night not only could apply to spaces at private homes but worse could be UNLIMITED in amount........The new amendment that McCall refiled since then with some "corrections" has the same unlimited tax - ur, "surcharge" that counties AND municipalities could each impose on parking in your own driveway or garage. Unreal!You are the only person I have heard from in opposition so far. The debate is scheduled to resume Monday morning at 10 am with a vote expected later in the morning..... sound the alarm!"

I guess it is in fact time to storm the Bastille ....

Elaine Catz: A Person Of Amazing Conscience

"Bodies ... The Exhibition" is coming to the Carnegie Science Center in October 2007. It is a display of actual human beings whose bodies were “plastinated” after death. These bodies will be posed and splayed to expose various organs and body parts …. all done very artfully and scientifically of course.

Plastinazation is a process whereby the bodily fluids of dead people are replaced by polymers. The resultant plasticized mummy is one of intricate detail, especially with the skin removed to show all muscles and tendons. The Science Center “bodies” have come to us from Premier Exhibitions in Atlanta, which procured the bodies from China’s Dalian Medical University, which in turn acquired the corpses from China’s police. And where did China’s police acquire the deceased individuals? Well, here are some sobering facts …..

o 60 plus offenses in China are punishable by death. Many of these offenses are solely political or economic in nature.
o China accounts for 80% of the world’s government ordered executions.
o Even though China has no voluntary organ donation system, organ transplantation is a huge industry in that nation. The Chinese deputy health minister acknowledged its booming illegal organ trade and confirmed that most transplanted organs are taken from executed prisoners.
o To streamline the acquisition of viable prisoner organs, the convicted are executed by lethal injection in mobile vans en route to hospitals so the harvested organs can be of the highest quality.
o Further improving on the efficiency and profitability of their transplant industry, Canadian parliamentarian David Kilgour and human rights lawyer David Matas documented the braggings of Chinese surgeons who procured organs from LIVE prisoners.

How fortunate for the Chinese that the aftermarket for organless carcasses is nearly as profitable as their black market for the organs themselves! Premier is paying $25 million to China alone for the rights to parade just 15 of those bodies around the globe, the Carnegie Science Center being just one stop on this “educational” tour.

The brutality and barbarism of the human species is often times beyond comprehension and is unsurpassed in the animal kingdom. Even the deadliest predatory beast stalks, hunts and kills its prey as sustenance to live. We, on the other hand, make soap and lampshades from the skin of Nazi Germany Jews because their race is inferior. We slit the throats of bound infidel captives because they are not godly enough for the likes of Allah and the peaceful religion of Islam. We are slaughtering hundreds of thousands in Darfur as we speak for who-knows-what reason.

While we Americans may not be able to put an end to every senseless, blood lusting venture of every beastly, demonic despot and jihadist …. Must we allow even the fringes or “aftermarkets” of this kind of brutality within our borders? The Carnegie Science Center, a venerated Pittsburgh institution, seems to think so. They plan to display the ghoulish remains of persons whose deaths and butchering appear to be heinous crimes in and of themselves, all in the name of “art and science”.

We remind the Science Center that “art and science” could have been as effectively promoted with the use of realistic mannequins and statues. That their decision to exploit real human beings for the sake of making a buck is deplorable and makes them no better than traveling freak show hucksters. That they may as well light the exhibit with Jewish skin lampshades while they are at it. Who knows how many additional paying customers that might draw in.

As the Science Center worries about what impact increased casino traffic will have on the safety of school children bussed to their site, they might also take a minute to consider the exhibit’s impact on these same children as they view the dead bodies before them, forming their own opinions and moral beliefs regarding the sanctity, worth and respect for life. All life. Human and beast alike. However interchangeable those terms appear to have become.

Elaine Catz, education coordinator for the Carnegie Science Center for the past 11 years, has tendered her resignation in protest of their decision to host the controversial exhibit. The Pist-Gazette applauds this woman's courage and sense of decency. This world could use more people like Elaine Catz.

Hopefully An Ugly Rumor

The Beatles Warned Us Back in ‘66

As part of our state legislature’s frenzy to tax us into prosperity, 22 new taxes are presently under consideration as part of a “balanced” 2008 budget. One of these new taxes would be a parking tax so broadly worded that citizens could be taxed for parking their cars in their own garages. Yes, this would be in addition to the property tax already levied on said garages. And yes, that is what the Pist-Gazette heard yesterday, with our own ears, coming from the mouth of a state representative on an afternoon radio broadcast.

Thinking that we must have been suffering from an auditory hallucination because our state legislature cannot possibly be THIS insane….The Pist-Gazette immediately emailed each state representative in Allegheny County, in both parties, imploring them to confirm that we were in fact the crazy ones and that they were still in possession of all their faculties.

As of this writing, the Pist-Gazette has not received one response confirming or denying the Personal Parking Tax scheme.

Let us remember the sage words from that visionary George Harrison in 1966 as we wonder what in the heck happened to bring us to this pathetic point in space and time:

“If you drive a car I’ll tax the street,
If you try to sit I’ll tax your seat,
If you get too cold I’ll tax the heat,
If you take a walk I’ll tax your feet.”

If this “rumor” turns out to be true … It might just be time to storm the Bastille.

"She's A Good Mother. It's A Freak Accident."

Friends Shakita Mangham and Fuhara Love left their seven children home alone, well past midnight, while they had drinks at a neighborhood bar. Authorities think the two oldest children, both only eight years old, set the house on fire while playing with matches. The 8-year-olds were able to escape the burning house. The five younger children were not as fortunate and all perished. They were trapped behind a bedroom door which may have been locked from the outside.

As the women returned home to find the house ablaze and their children dead, Mangham had the presence of mind to lie to authorities about a non-existent babysitter who was supposed to be watching the children. Neighbors immediately discounted the babysitter story, telling police that the children were often left alone while the “mothers” frequented the bar.

Absolutely heartbreaking but unfortunately nowhere near the end of the ugliness:

“Who is responsible? This city has been responsible for people living in poverty for years and years. How can you arrest and prosecute these women for neglect, and you won’t prosecute the past leaders of this city for neglect? It’s a shame on the whole of Pittsburgh.”
--- Jibril Abdul-Hafeez, community activist

“What does it matter? Five angels died! Who cares what happened and how it happened and when it happened? It’s our children who have died …”
--- Rev. William H. Curtis, addressing mourners at the funeral for the children.

“She’s not responsible for what happened. A fire broke out. She didn’t set that fire. She may have wanted to be there when the fire started, but even if she were there, the children might not have lived. In other words, just because a parent is in the home doesn’t mean the children can’t be in the basement doing some mischief. You have a loving parent who did something she regrets, but she didn’t kill the children.”
---- Ernest Sharif, Love’s attorney on why his client should not be charged with homicide.

“She’s a good mother. It’s a freak accident.”
---Sheila Ward, Mangham’s mother and owner of the burned house.


Ms. Mangham is a certified nursing assistant. Ms. Love is a senior student of criminology at Point Park University. Both must therefore have the intellect to know better. As should those who've made the appalling excuses on their behalf.

Peduto Says Cool Hand Luke Out In Left Field

He Might As Well Ask For (Dan) Onorato's Resignation While He’s At It

During today’s City Council session, Councilman Bill Peduto read the City Charter rules as they pertain to the firings of department heads and directors. Something Mayor Lukey should have done prior to waving his hand, trying to get most of the 5th floor to disappear.

A couple of embarrassing points for an administration which is building its legacy on embarrassment ……

o The mayor must provide City Council with a specific “reason” for terminating a department head. That city government is not “running well enough” is not a “good enough” reason.

o Directors of Authorities are out of Lukey’s reach. Authorities are created by the state and their directors serve at the will of their board members. Luke has as much authority (no pun intended) to ask for an authority director’s resignation as he does Dan Onorato or the Mayor of Cincinnati for that matter.


Of note, even though Yarone chairs the URA and Yarone is Luke’s right hand guy, the majority of the URA board must vote to relieve URA Director Detorre. He cannot be removed by a Thursday afternoon Ravenstahl whim.

Even City Council President Doug Shields was perturbed that he heard about the mass firings from a press release. He reminded Luke that City Council and the Mayor's Office are partners in city governance and chided him for not acting accordingly.

The Pist-Gazette is beginning to believe that the boy is on meds of some kind. If they’ve been legally prescribed, we respectfully ask that someone adjust them "accordingly."